This week, i was reading girls comic magazine, there was a line "She finally gets girly when she's in love." Then my friend sissy asked me "when are you gonna be girly?"  I used my 'wtf i cannot process this question' face at him. He asked again "She said that girl gets more adorable in love, when will you be like her?"

I was still confused. I said "It requires more than love to make girls shine"
"Like what?"
"Like....money." I'm cereal.
Another girl who lives with kind heart and all religion suddenly said "Why money?! Other things make girls charming too...like confidence."
I couldnt explain why would i said money, but im pretty sure that's what makes me unadorable. I only answered her "If you dont have money, you cant do many things, like better haircut, college girl style outfits instead of what your mom throws at you, healthier food instead of cheapest buffet every meal, the real thing you wanna learn instead of a major that probably offer you a bit more job chances, and if you got money, you wont even sit here listening to my shit, and you wont read your religious book in accounting class."
Well, i didnt say anything after "meal". That'd be too cruel.

Somehow in my 6th sleepless night, I think of it again.
She said confidence, well she got a point. Bcuz I just watched The Iron Lady on friday, and it just showed how a woman had so many confidence that made her special and shine.
Before I think of it. I'd always stick with my point that "money is power" even if this point had been broken by many talks.
I'd think that, if one's gonna have confidence, then one must be happy and satisfied about one's life. To get the happiness and satisfaction, one must fulfill one's desire. To fulfill desire, one must consume something like time or money. So time and money are simply just important to me...that's why i answer money. Becuz my desires need money to complete.

Now i just feel messed up. Maybe confidence is the bottom one stands with money and time. I'm just lack of confidence to do things. I always care about how ppl look at me and think of me. Especially when I'm showing myself. My art, which I didn't do for a long time. I still scribble things, but posting things on here gives me a hard feeling. I really care to get only compliments not critics, i'm a coward. i hate to be judge, i care too much, drawings are only things present me...so i don't even know how to face critics.

I should have more confidence of what i do and what i want so i wont be lost. i'd be as glorious as the iron lady if i have it.
Then the confidence would provide me clear thoughts, clear ways, clear decisions, leading me to the way that i wont regret even if its wrong. I wont do things for other's mood but for mine.

I learned a line from a makeup fashion show today "Girl's dressing style are naturally ended up affected by others."